![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
shoot me.
im out.
not happy
not satisfied
angry and mad at the world
and why is it that i dont feel this way when i'm away in brunei.
ive got six bottles of hard liquor, 2 bottles of wine, and 3 bottles of beer staring right back at me. i can almost hear them calling out to me. But i wont cave. no, not this time around.
seriously though, wtf is up with me. not cool yo.
Something in me snapped last night. It could be one of the following or a combo of everything- I'll never know:
1) the wine.
2) the second bottle (the prime suspect)
3) the fags
4) the lies
5) the fact that I’ve been trying to be happy and put on a smile for the longest time in Brunei. Keyword: Trying.
6) or maybe I’ve been feeling so fucking alone
7) Letting go of all the beautiful people in my life. The could-have-been- happily-ever-after, lost forever finally hitting me.
8) the fever
9) stuck in the moment and I cant get out of it (U2)
I’ve come to realize that it is so much easier to hurt someone than to love them. And me, being the coward I am, I chose the easy way out. I mean whats the point? Whats the fuckin point? Since I always end up at a dead end. Every corner I turn there’s a fuckin brick wall.
And you… I asked you to share me a secret and you did –no matter how hard we try this will end badly- but that didn’t count cause I already knew that. You being the psychic you are on Mondays, you nailed your predictions. Never in my life have I ever met someone like you. Ever. It’s a brief encounter, sure, but you have set the bench mark for my expectations. And for that : fuck you. Cause now ill have to search all over again for another you and I wouldn’t settle for anything less. Thanks to you this search is going to be even longer than id initially expected.
Damn those fuckin butterflies.
I was under the illusion that I’ve been coping pretty well with my recent overseas trip to Brunei. Infact I thought it went pretty well. But I think I got my emotions mixed up. On retrospect, I didn’t feel anything. As in I think I was so focused on being optimistic that I’ve suppressed how I was truly feeling. And last night, it all came crashing down. Everydamnthing.
Some days I feel super stoked about my future. I get all excited and pumped up for the adventure that awaits me and then on some night (eg. Last night) everything looks bleak. I feel like I’m not doing enough to make the most out of my life. I feel like I’m wasting and rotting way. I’m so desperate to live that I forget to live. Does that make sense? But its not like I can do anything about it. I’m stuck in this perpetual bubble. Seriously fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk thisssssssssss shit. Fuck.it.
I’m 3cm away from pulling my hair out.
You know you are fucked up when you start drinking and getting piss drunk alone. With tears, no less.
It has to get better, it will. Not just yet, but soon enough.
And this is goodbye to people I need to let go for reasons I can’t fathom.
- Mood:
nostalgic - Music:Beach Chair- Jayz & Chris Martin
I should have known better, but lust got the better of me. Sometimes I'm defenseless against temptation, but most of the time i go insearch of it. But don't we all? Me? I am just a boy next door, on a pursuit of paradise.
Failing judgements led me on the wrong way. Occasionally, i mistake temporary high for paradise. From afar, the beauty of it is alluring. The sight, and even its smell and taste creeps through every single cell in my body screaming at me to let go. To fall.
Without calculating my jump, i plunge. Rash, irrational decision making process i only know too well.
Those blurry mornings are the hardest to deal with. The walk of shame begins in my head as i go through the sordid actions of yesterday, only to cringe; Fighting fruitlessly to keep the foul and filthy images out of my throbbing head.
The next several days are peculiar as i then try to better myself. But it doesn't take long before i return to my seedy ways. Sniffing out lust at sleazy corners. I try desperately to hang on to the promises i made to myself. Before i know it, i find myself walking precariously on paper thin ice, only to hither and thither to the other side, because apparently the grass is greener.
I often feel that naivete has a certain charm to it. I lost mine a long time ago.
Back from Brunei, yet again. I actually made it back. Might have died several times, i wouldnt know.
Since I'm alive... it must mean something.
At this point in time, I'm extremely happy:) (daddy's milo might have something to do with it.)
Havent slept in days, so ciao!
eh oh yes, ill do a picture update real soon. WAIT. is anyone even reading this shit that im writing?
"Of all the gin joints in all the town in all the world, she has to walk into mine"
- Mood:
amused
you cant help it. you dont even see them that often, albeit you wish you did.
i wish things were different, but c'est la vie?
taste me drink my soul
Talking 'bout reading, I have just started the Harry Potter series- 2 down 5 more to go. After that i'm planning to tackle the epic and awe-inspiring, LOTRs.
18 more fucking months to go, and i'm outta here.
To make matters worst, i have chosen a wrong time to quit smoking. I need it now, more than ever to calm my damn nerves. Fuck. Oh Christ, give me the strength. Well, i have come wayyyy to far to let my efforts slip away. Hell-fuckin'-no.
Oh, and just so you know, this is how my next several months' gona look like:
3rd Apr - 23rd Apr: Brunei
24rd Apr - 29th Apr: OFF
30th Apr - 21st May: Thailand
22nd Apr - 29th May: OFF
30th May - TBC : Brunei
and hell no im not vacationing.
I'm so incoherent, my thoughts are like a mesh of steel, inter-woven by my past, present and an uncertain future. They all seem to link back to nothing and everything. The more i try to untangle it, the deeper into the tangle i get lost in. Just lost. So i let it sit. So after 18 months i'll lock this part of my life up and push it right at the back of head. So now, i just need to compartmentalize my head. You know? Pack my thoughts up and stack em up neatly inside various imaginary boxes and let em sit. Yea, of course I'll label them, so to make my life more bearable. But i just need the mess to an organised one. Yeap, that is what i need to do: Compartmentalize. After that, i'll need to construct a labyrinth of tunnels in my head and hide these boxes away. Now, if only if i can find a way to do that.
